I Like a Healthy Breeze Around My Privates!
by hestia-jones85
Summary: "Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear this." Remember ol' Archie from GOF? Well, now you'll know why he refused to give up his flowery gown for a pair of trousers.


**I Like a Healthy Breeze Round My Privates, Thanks!**

"Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear this," pleaded the man, brandishing the pin-striped trousers at him. *

Archibald scowled. Why must the stupid man create a scene in front of a hundred people? This dunderhead had no idea why he hadn't won trousers in ages, and unfortunately, he, Archibald, couldn't tell him why in front of so many spectators.

"I'm not putting them on. I like a healthy breeze round my privates, thanks," he retorted, pointing at his flowery night gown. *

With that, he left the man standing wiping his brow in exhaustion (and frustration). Archibald could feel people laughing at him as he turned and left. He simply gritted his teeth and held his chin high. To be frank, after so many years, he found he didn't care much. As he passed along the queue, he caught a girl with bushy brown hair glancing at him and giggling uncontrollably.

_You silly twerp_, he thought irritably. _If only you knew_...

**Many, many years ago…**

"Remind me why we're doing this again, Theo," said Archibald, as he walked out of the library with his twin.

"Archie, my lad," said Theobald, "that Ravenclaw mongrel kissed Cordelia, didn't he?"

"Cordelia? The sixth-year Hufflepuff?"

"Yes, she of the wonderful blond tress."

"But," said Archibald in confusion, "why do you care? She's not your girl now, is she?"

Theobald glared at his twin. "I was about to ask her to Hogsmeade, but Bilius Boot beat me to it. We'll see just how suave that sap is at N.E.W.T. Charms tomorrow when we hit him with this nasty hex.'

"Ahhh…" said Archibald.

"No one likes the pompous idiot as it is," continued Theobald. 'It'll give everyone a good laugh."

Archibald chuckled.

"The Patronus Charm is useful against both Dementors and Lethifolds," droned the Charms professor. "It is a powerful spell, very difficult to master, yet it is imperative that you learn it."

Most of the students were busy taking notes. However, Archibald and Theobald were biding their time. They knew the professor would be calling out her pet student to try out the charm.

"Mr Boot," said the professor on cue, 'could you give us a demonstration?'

"With pleasure, ma'am."

A tall, dark-haired boy stood up and walked to the front of the class. Raising his wand smugly, he cried, "_Expecto Patronum_!"

A silver peacock emerged from the tip of his wand. The class gave a scattered, unenthusiastic applause. That didn't stop Boot from giving them a sanctimonious nod.

While the rest of the students were watching the peacock dance, Theobald caught Archibald's eye and nodded. Pointing their wand surreptitiously at Boot's crotch, they muttered.

"One, two, three…_Exulcero_!"

Boot stiffened immediately and his peacock Patronus vanished.

"Thank you, Mr Boot, for your wonderful demonstration," said the professor. "Twenty points to Ravenclaw. You may now return to your seat."

But Boot didn't move from the spot. His face was assuming a vivid plum colour, while his left hand was wringing the right one tightly.

"Mr Boot? Are you all right?"

Boot shook his head, and then started scratching his groin frantically.

The class erupted in laugher while the professor looked horrified. "Mr Boot! Behave yourself!"

"I can't," he gasped, now rolling on the floor. "Someone's hexed me."

"I see," muttered the professor.

Theobald and Archibald were banging their fists on the desk, convulsed in helpless laughter. They didn't notice the Charms professor approaching them. "Your wands," she barked, and then she snatched the wands from their hands herself.

The Charms professor performed a non-verbal spell on the wands; Bilius Boot's image emerged from the each wand-tip.

"Follow me!" she ordered the twins.

Albus Dumbledore peered at the twins through his half-moon spectacles.

"Mr Feeny, and Mr Feeny," he began softly, "may I ask why you hexed Mr Boot?"

The twins didn't reply, unable to think of a good enough excuse.

"The Itching Hex," continued Dumbledore, "is a formidable curse. You may think it is hilarious to see someone – ah – scratching their privates, but it does have a lingering effect for days."

Archibald was the first to break. "We're sorry, Professor," he said. "We – we thought it was funny and not that dangerous."

"I am very glad you are apologizing, Mr Feeny. However, that is _not_ the jinx you used on him."

"What do you mean, Professor?" asked Theobald.

"You used the wrong Latin word," said Dumbledore. "It is "Pruritus", not "Exulcero"."

Both twins blanched. "What's wrong with him now?" asked Archibald nervously.

"Boils have erupted all over his body," said Dumbledore in a grave voice. "Mr Boot shall have to spend the week in the hospital wing."

They had no reply to that; they were too ashamed and shocked to speak. "What about us?" asked Theobald quietly.

"A hundred points have been deducted from Gryffindor house," replied Dumbledore. "Both of you shall serve a month's detention each."

In the end, though, reflected Archibald, he shouldn't have listened to his twin's insane plan of making amends with Bilius Boot. However, he had agreed to his reckless brother's ideas as usual, and followed him to the hospital wing. They had met Boot just as he was leaving the infirmary.

"You can hex us back if you want, you know," Theobald had said to Boot. "It's only fair."

Boot had considered their offer. "You Gryffindors love being men of honour, don't you?" he had asked them.

They had nodded.

"What's the incantation?" Boot had asked.

"_Pruritus_," Archibald had said carefully.

"Charming," Boot had remarked, taking out his wand and pointing it at the general direction of their crotches. "Stand back now, both of you."

They had obeyed, holding their breath and waiting for Boot to hex them.

_It will last only a few days_, Archibald had consoled himself.

"_Pruritus Proprius_," Boot had shouted triumphantly.

Of course, Boot had made the hex permanent. Though the effects had worn off with time with the help of numerous balms and potions, Archibald (and Theobald, who had died the previous year) had had to stop wearing pants due to the itch.

And that, my friends, was why he couldn't trade his airy, flowery gown for the pin-striped trousers.

*Taken from Chapter 7: Bagman and Crouch, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, J..

DISCLAIMER: Characters and premises belong to J.. :)


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